Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by kimdub, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. kimdub

    kimdub Member Charter Member Cager

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    I enjoyed the joke thread in our previous life. So thought I would start one here.



    The Jones were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', my name is Alby he said, 'I've come to..'
    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Jones cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
    'Have you really?' said Alby the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'
    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Jones.
    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Jones quietly.
    Alby the photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Jones exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Jones.
    'Yes, I'm afraid so, Alby explained, I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Jones, her eyes wide with amazement.
    'Yes', Alby the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
    Mrs. Jones leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
    'Tripod?'
    'Oh yes, Ma'am. Again Alby explained, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'



    Mrs. Jones fainted
     
  2. fastpitch17

    fastpitch17 Well-Known Member Charter Member Cager

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    Good one.
     
  3. Nasigan

    Nasigan Member Charter Member Cager

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    :behindsofa: a nice one Kim Dublin, I like listening to good jokes but remember one and write it down that's a joke
     
  4. macvert

    macvert Active Member Cager

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    A master French thief decided to pull off a huge job at the Louvre, stealing several valuable paintings. However he was stopped & arrested just a few blocks away from the museum at a gas station. When asked how he could pull off such a heist & yet be arrested so easily, he responded.

    I had no Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh.
     
  5. William King

    William King Well-Known Member Charter Member Cager

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    Women, if a man remembers that colour of your eyes after the first date, it probably means you have small breasts.
     
  6. Puspawarna

    Puspawarna
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    Either that, or he's a not a breast man. In my youth I was rather flat-chested but I did have great legs, if I may be immodest for a moment. Strangely enough, I never encountered men who were into the pneumatic type, but I had lots of dates with guys who were connoisseurs of legs. I wonder why that was? :noidea::noidea::noidea:
     
  7. nosox

    nosox Active Member Charter Member Cager

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    its been my observation that great legs generally lead to a shapely derriere :)
     
  8. Vanhelsing

    Vanhelsing Well-Known Member Cager

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    Can we stop talking about puspawarna's bits please, I've just woken up and I've things to do. :wink:
     
  9. nosox

    nosox Active Member Charter Member Cager

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    On
    her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the
    seniors pointing out some of her rules:

    "The
    female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the
    male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule
    will be fined $20 the first time."

    She
    continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
    fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of
    $180. Are there any questions?"

    At
    this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:
    "How much for a season pass?”
     
  10. Minuteman

    Minuteman Member Charter Member Cager

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    George and Maud lived out in the country in southern Missouri. They had been married for 35 years and had a nice little country home off a gravel road. Maud was one of these kindhearted old gals who would find injured animals on the side of the road, take them home and bring them back to health before letting them go.

    One cold October night they were in their car, going home after visiting friends when Maud spotted a critter on the side of the gravel road and asked George to stop so she could investigate. Well, turned out that it was a little skunk, late born and not yet fully grown. It was suffering from the cold and was barely alive.

    She asked George if she could take the skunk home. Said she would keep it in the basement for the night, let it recover and then release it mid-day when the temperatures outside were warmer. With a sigh, George said "OK" and they continued on their journey.

    Maud was very concerned about the little skunk because it was so cold and shivering badly so she asked George how she could get the poor thing warmed up quickly. Maud was wearing a skirt so George told her to tuck the little guy down between her legs. "What a wonderful idea" she thought and did as was suggested.

    After a bit, the skunk was settling down but Maud was concerned so asked George "But Honey, what about the smell?"

    George said...."Hold its nose."
     
  11. Davita

    Davita Well-Known Member Charter Member

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    The last story from Missouri reminds me of a guy driving along a farming area in that State.
    He saw a sign "Talking dog for sale....$5" The guy went to the farmer sitting on his porch and asked...."You have a talking dog for sale?" The farmer indicated with his cob pipe and replied "He's out back."
    The guy nervously approached the hound and asked "You talk?" The dog replied "I can talk in many languages, which do you prefer?" The guy, shocked, said English and asked why the dog was on a farm.
    "It's like this" the dog settled down and replied "I used to work for the CIA as a spy and would listen in to conversations and report to my minder. Remember how they captured bin-Laden...that was my intelligence. However, my cover was blown so they moved me to the FBI. Remember how they caught the Boston bomber...again me. Now I was really uncovered so they put me here in the witness protection program with this dufus!"
    The guy walked back to the farmer and asked "Why is this remarkable dog so cheap?"
    The farmer spat on the ground, then replied "..'coz he's an fffing liar. I guess he told you that bull' of working with the CIA and FBI.... the fact is he hasn't moved from that yard since the day he was born!"
     
  12. Puspawarna

    Puspawarna
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    Damn, I never remember jokes, even when I hear good ones.

    But I did hear a very bad joke from my mother, of all people, that has stuck with me for decades. I'll share it here, but be forewarned - I did say it was a bad joke, not a good one:

    Little Suzy was very excited to start second grade, and paid solemn attention to the teacher as she welcomed the students to the new school year.

    "Hello, class!" said the teacher. "My name is 'Mrs. Prussy.'" She started writing some letters on the blackboard. "Now, students, I know it can be hard to remember new names at first. So, I want to help you. My name is a little bit like a word for 'cat.'"

    She wrote "P USSY" in big letters on the blackboard, and said, "Think of 'pussycat' and you will remember my name, except add an 'R'." The teacher then filled in the word "P USSY" so that it said "PRUSSY."

    The next day at school, Mrs. Prussy greeted the students. "Hello, everyone! Does anyone remember my name?"

    Suzy, ever the diligent student, raised her hand. "Yes, I do remember!"

    "And so what is my name, my dear?" inquired Mrs. Prussy.

    Suzy proudly proclaimed, "Mrs. CRUNT!"
     
  13. Minuteman

    Minuteman Member Charter Member Cager

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    Here is my Moms' favorite:

    Two derelict winos, Bill and Sam woke up one morning with a bad case of the DTs. The only had $1.50 between them and the entire day ahead of them so Sam asked Bill just what they were going to do.

    Bill said he had an idea, took the money and went into a convenience store. Directly, he came out with a box of tampons. Sam got all upset and asked just what the deal was, spending their last buck on tampons.

    Bill told him to relax, that they would have a great time today. "It says right here on the box that if you use this product, you can go swimming, horseback riding, dancing etc. We will have a blast!!!"
     
  14. Asun

    Asun Member

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    A businessman and a priest happened to be paired together on a golf course, so they went on to their round of golf while chatting.
    After a few holes, the businessman hit a great approach and had a simple putt of about 5 feet away. Somehow he missed and he exclaimed "Fuck! How can I miss that?". The priest promptly chastised the businessman, "Please watch your language. The Lord do not take lightly such transgression." The businessman muttered, "Yeah, sure OK. Let's keep going".

    A few holes later, the businessman had another chance to redeem himself, this time only about 4 feet away. Again he missed the putt and he swore again "Fuck! How can I miss that?". The priest repeated his warning towards his golf partner, "The punishment from the Lord can be swift and sudden if you do not watch yourself." Sure enough, the businessman just grumbled a bit and went on to the next hole.

    Finally, at the 18th hole, the businessman again had a glorious opportunity with the ball only 2 feet from the hole. This time he missed again by the smallest of margin. He again couldn't help himself and yelled "Fuck! How can I miss that?". Suddenly, out of the blue sky, a lightning bold struck down onto the golf course. A while later, after the smoke cleared, it turned out that the priest had been struck by the lightning. The businessman was a bit bedazzled but right afterwards, a booming voice came from the sky and was heard saying "Fuck! How can I miss that?"
     
  15. kratos

    kratos Member Cager

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    Asun teach English to a classroom filled with ESL Students

    Asun: kids, what's the difference between a fly and a mosquito ?

    Silence. Suddenly Puspa raised her hand

    Puspa: Mosquito can fly but fly can't mosquito
     
  16. kratos

    kratos Member Cager

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    [​IMG]
     
  17. Davita

    Davita Well-Known Member Charter Member

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    Kratos...I'm sure you're a very nice guy but I suggest you get out and about a bit more.
    Your joke in post# 15...is weird, and I like weird, but don't get it...does it have something to do with subtraction?
    Your joke in post# 16...is so old it was rejected by Charlie Chaplin.
     
  18. kratos

    kratos Member Cager

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    I slapped a soldier today and he ran away. That's how I knew he was fake. Let's join hands and expose fake soldiers in town.

    How ? By slapping any soldier you come across this week. If he runs,he's fake. If he doesn't run, the Lord is your strength....
     
  19. kratos

    kratos Member Cager

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    I guess I was lost in translation....

    Next


    I was in the job interview today. The interviewing manager handed his laptop to me and said " I want you to try to sell this laptop to me". So I putthe laptop under my arm, walked out the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and yelled " bring back my laptop right here right now "


    I said "$200 and it's yours"
     
  20. kratos

    kratos Member Cager

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    Great Lines by

    Darto Suleiman

    " Change can't be given anytime. You have to bring the Change"

    Who is Darto Suleiman ?
    He is a bus conductor

    Read the lines again


    I loved your thinking
     

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